Friday, December 4, 2009

The conundrum of my life currently.

So lately I have been struggling with this "life long career decision". I don't know if this is a struggle for everyone, I know it always has been for me. However, it isn't really a struggle for Ivan. He knows what he wants to do with slight variations.

Basically, I don't know what I want to do with myself with the future. I am one of those people that likes to give 100% to everything I do, but the problem is I am spread between so many things that I can't pursue them all. Some of them I can manage at the same time, but others would require so much time and resources that it wouldn't be possible. I suppose that is a timeless constraint, time and resources. 

Anyway, so I figure I will just write out a few of the ideas I have and see what you all think (if anyone is actually reading this... haha). The truth is that writing will help me to get it out of my head (at least for a little while). Now, don't assume that I am not already praying about all this... I definitely am. Sometimes though my mind fires too quickly to calm it down so I need to write it. 

Here are some of my life long "dreams" per se, which may be impossible but would be interesting to pursue... (very right brain type pursuits):

1) Be a country singer (I would probably have to move to Nashville for this but it is not out of the question).  Of course, this is one of those "right time right place" type of things, but I have always dreamed of pursuing it. 

2) Be a wedding planner. Part of my difficulty with this is the fear of having my own business. Being an accountant, I know all the "consequences" and they scare me. Sometimes being naive on technical issues allows you to be braver concerning entrepreneurial pursuits. 

3) Be a cake decorator ( I would have to take some more classes and have a lot more practice.. time and resources)

Here are some things that would require a lot of resources but are more of "left brain" dreams:

1) I want Ivan to get his grad degree (not my goal but I have to consider it before I consider being a "stay at home" mom)

2) I could go get my PhD in Accounting and teach at a university. Therefore, I could be a mom and a teacher at the same time. I have always loved teaching accounting. The problem with this is that it is a lot of time and resources. It also would pretty much leave my "right-brain" dreams in the dust. 

3) Pursue more of a finance angle from home or a company. Basically I could do more of financial planning type stuff with a little more training and education. I would have to put kids on hold for a little while pursing thing. I have always wanted to know more about investing myself and everything. 

(Aside: Even though I am a CPA, I don't know much about individual taxes, it would be nice to finally be able to do my own taxes without having a professional do them. I also (as mentioned above) am extremely naive in finance type pursuits and I would like more experience in them)

And the other goals which stand out on their own:

1) Be a stay at home mom. I really want to homeschool my kids and I feel like this is important. The timetable however is what I don't really know. 

2) Write my own books and bible studies. I have always wanted to do this, possibly even do an online bible theology type program to gain some more knowledge. Again, time and resources (concerning the education). 

There is this consistent struggle between my left brain (logical, accounting, education) and my right brain (creative, dance, singing). I feel like I have always gone with the "practical", with the left side. I spent years going through the accounting program and since I had to move from FL, I never got to finish my masters degree. I would have to move back to finish since grad programs don't transfer credits. I am consistently striving for more of the knowledge that comes with my career (ex: finance info, tax info, accounting info, business info) but that striving may be from one of two causes: first, it may be from a desire to know the information in order to make money to pursue my OTHER dreams, or second, it may just be my desire for more knowledge in an area which I am known to succeed (which is comfortable for me). I mean I assume that if I kept working the way I am now, I would probably be able to climb the corporate ladder.. but at the sacrifice of what? a family? homeschooling? and other pursuits I may have?

I just hate watching more and more news about new singers or cake decorators or wedding planners or just "right side brain" ventures that I wish I could have been a part of. But I don't want to put my career ahead of my husband's career, though naturally in my sin nature, I do that. It is a daily struggle to try to refocus my goals. The hard part is when you don't really "know your goals". I know that I need to put Ivan's career first, but I don't know what I am striving for. Anyway, this is just a struggle for me.. it is difficult because I want to "dive into" something.. yet if I can't make a choice of at most 2 (of the above) it is going to be tough... I just am never committed fully to one thing. 

Anyway, enough of this blog.. I think I just needed a rant. Please feel free to comment..... time for a Christmas movie!.. 



  1. As different as you and I are...we still have so many of the same left brain a tee (except for don't ever want to hear me sing.) I have to admit, it's a side of you I haven't really seen, so good for you for still entertaining them. I think a lot of us are going throught the career and life uncertainties. My mom still says "I don't know what I want to do when I grow up." I know I'm not exactly helping, but just so you know you're not alone. :-)

  2. I am 52 years old and still don't know what I want to do.